I’ve been getting emotional over the last few days. Every time I think of making it to 1 year of sobriety I get a little shaken. I’m not sure why I’ve been getting so emotional. I’ve asked some of those I trust, like my pastor, and my sponsors, and they tell me it’s a ‘huge deal.’ And today is the day!

My reaction to this feedback is to shake my head and say “I never thought this was even possible.” When I say that, I’m talking outwardly about going a year without drinking, using, gambling or acting out.

But, what I really mean, is that I never thought it possible to live a life where I’m not looking over my shoulder, missing milestones in my family’s life, being excluded, going to jail, ending up in rehab, and losing the ability to even take myself seriously.

“Taking myself seriously,” what does that mean? Many people suffer in silence from their mental illness or addiction. I did for many years. I would walk into a room and have this intense paranoia wondering if people could “see me.” I don’t mean seeing my skin, clothes and exterior, but that they could see who I really was. That paranoia was part of a bigger problem, called type 1 bipolar disorder. As my addictions took over my life, I was convinced that everyone knew, but they weren’t saying anything, but rather attacking me in ways I couldn’t see (socially, professionally, etc.).

I would take that paranoia and react to it causing harm to people who had done nothing wrong to me. Then I would feel bad about it, and need to cope with that feeling. This cycle owned me for nearly 20 years.

That cycle led me to a place where I knew I could no-longer cope by using substances and processes to boost dopamine to mask the pain. I got to a place where taking my own life sounded like a good idea. However, I was too much of a narcissist and too weak to actually jump off the top of the Cosmopolitan that night in Vegas to be honest. So I figured I would just drink and use until I overdosed.

Instead of going that route, and thanks to an intervention by my wife and father who were my only family left at that point, I got a chance to get help. Thanks to rehab, and then to my friend Bob, a Bible study group I found my way to, 12-step groups, and the Life Recovery ministry at my church, I was able to begin to figure out how to live without coping mechanisms. You can read more about my early recovery story here.

1 Year In, So What Now?

Every day of sobriety is new territory for me. I’ve never been here before. Day 365 is just like days 364 and 366 for me. Yes, I’m getting better at applying the principles I’ve learned, I’m deepening my faith, and I’m learning to help others, but don’t get me wrong, it’s still a grind sometimes.

However, there is freedom. I get to choose how I show up in life. I get to live my life proactively, and not in reaction to others. I have peace, and I have real relationships and friendships which, while some “gave” that to me in the past, I never accepted it. I have freedom from addiction and I have freedom in my faith as well. I’m starting to actually believe what the Bible says about me is true, which agrees with what they told me in rehab, that I am perfectly imperfect, and am valuable, despite my imperfections. There is nothing I can do or fail to do that would change that. This applies to all of us.

I’m really excited about making it this far, yes, but I’m most excited about getting sober at age 39 instead of 59 or instead of death. I can’t even express how happy I am to get to be physically and mentally present for my kids, my wife and our friends in recovery in the coming years. Or, at least I have the chance to do that, as long as I take it one day at a time. I’m also excited about being in a place where I can start to help others who are looking for recovery, it’s a blessing, to say the least and I can say I finally understand why step 12 of the 12-step program is what it is.

Still Suffering?

If you read this and you are struggling with addiction or mental illness, here are the things I’ve been doing that have worked for me. I can’t promise this will work do you, but it did for me:

1) God — I had been running from the idea of a higher power for decades. Ceasing that fight and believing that I’m not in control of everything made a huge difference and was very very hard for me to do.

2) Rehab — I went to rehab at The Meadows in Wickenburg, AZ. I learned what recovery even means. I got a crash course in psychoeducation. I learned about me, about my brain and why I certain things.

3) Weekly men’s bible study — I’m very blessed to have been invited to a bible study by a stranger, at the time. That weekly meeting and those guys had more of an impact on my survival than I think they will ever know.

4) AA — Some people love Alcoholics Anonymous and some hate it. I got a lot out of those rooms. Chapter 5 of the Big Book explains how the program works. Honestly, for me, it’s just nice to hear that chapter read out loud frequently. I often walk out of an AA meeting thinking that I wish the entire population could experience what it’s like to have the chance to be vulnerable with other humans in a threat-free environment.

5) SAA — Another 12 steps group but this one for sexual addiction. This is the best group I attend weekly. When a dozen men sit in a room and get vulnerable about this topic, it’s powerful stuff and you can literally feel the shame and stigma melt when you walk out of that room. It’s not as cool to tweet about or talk about as AA, but it’s SOLID help if you’re willing to try it.

6) Life Recovery Group — A faith-based recovery program for any of life’s sufferings. It meets weekly at my church in Plano, TX — Prestonwood Baptist Church.

7) Sponsors — I have an AA sponsor who is absolutely golden with 30+ years of sobriety. I have a sponsor in SAA who has really been amazing to me and helped me work the steps in detail. And last but not least the minister at my church’s Life Recovery ministry has really been the person who has taken my feeble understanding of God and equipped me with knowledge about me, who I am, and where I’m going.

8) Therapist — I saw a therapist once a week for the first few months after rehab and now I see him a couple times a month.

9) Trauma Therapy — Separate from regular therapist meetings, I believe strongly that trauma is the center of a lot of addiction. It’s really hard in my opinion to find someone who doesn’t have some sort of trauma in their past. Addressing it, bringing to the surface, and doing so while guided by a professional is literally life-changing.

10) Psychiatrist — I’m type 1 bipolar, so I needed meds. I take Lithium and it works great for me. I could never tell you what will work for you, but a psychiatrist can. There’s such stigma around mental illness and taking medication for it, but I can tell you, I am grateful that the meds work and I am happy to take it every day.

In closing, when I left rehab I was told about this “recovery community” that I could plug into. Little did I know how big, powerful and life-changing it would be.

If you’re looking for help, you won’t have to look far. I’m open to speak with anyone anytime who needs help finding help. Just about everyone I know in recovery is just as ready to help.